Are we Dating or Just Hanging Out?

Conventional dating practices are neither physically or emotionally safe. Bold, I know but I feel that to an extend many of us may agree with that. Like all things in life, we don't get a manual book to ease us into dating we just do it and figure it out along the way. Ahh, if only. 

Sociologist and family researcher Ernest W. Burgess advised us to use our head when dating, not so much our heart. He said, "the presumably irrational, arbitrary and fleeting nature of a romantic choice of spouse is diametrically opposed to the serious, prudent, and responsible undertaking which it should be" (Burgess, 1926, as cited in Van Epp, 2007). Not until recently have we've seen a lot more of romance take priority when we date. Obviously, we want to be attracted to the person we are dating and love them but in John Van Epp's "How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk," he suggests we use both our head and heart when dating. 

Van Epp shares three parts in his book that help approach dating: 

• Part I: Your Heart Matters, but So Does Your Head
• Following Your Heart Without Losing Your Mind
• The RAM Plan
• Healthy People Make Healthy Choices
• Part II: Use Your Head
• Hello, I Love You, Won't You Tell Me Your Name?
• Find Your Soul Mate
• Say What You Mean and Mean What You Say
• "And My Third Wife Was a ..."
• You Can't Marry Jethro Without Gettin' the Clampetts
• Find Your Mate's Soul
• Part III: ... While Following Your Heart
• Sketching the Date-Mate Profile
• If I Scratch Your Back, Will You Scratch Mine?
• My World Is My Bond -- Maybe
• How to Have Great Sex

Which leads me to why I'm writing today's blog. I want to share a little bit of how we are dating and how informed we are on healthy dating habits. This week I surveyed 20 people directly from my university campus and social media combined. I wanted to not only know what type of dating styles (dating vs hanging out) we are practicing but to also know how many of them knew about Van Epp's Relationship Attachment Model (RAM). I'll share those results further below.

The relationship attachment model is an interactive model that helps break down the different factors of a relationship that lead to creating and building bonds. As seen above, the model's sub categories of fundamental relationship dynamics are: 

• Know 
• Trust
• Rely
• Commit
• Touch

Each of these dynamics explains how each person contributes to the bonds developed in a relationship. Set up like a sound system equalizer, the sliders rise to marks a deeper and confident note. The know slider indicates that as it moves up, overtime you develop a richer and fuller knowledge of the person you are dating. The trust slider will show to what extent you trust who you are with. The third slider, rely, shows to how much you rely on this person. The fourth slider represents how committed you are to this person. Lastly, the touch slider represent the sexual and intimacy between you and your person. The pattern with the sliders is that the higher the slider the deeper and stronger that dynamic is. A key note of importance, is that "the balance of all five bonding dynamics determines the healthiness of your relationship and the clarity of your perspective on your partner" (Van Epp, 2007). Think about it like this, if you do not know the person you are dating can you really commit to them or be comfortably physical with them?

Now, let's define dating and hanging out. I came across this definition for dating from Wikipedia: "Dating is astage of romantic relationships whereby two people meet socially with the aim of each assessing the other's suitability as a prospective partner in a future intimate relationship" (Dating, n.d). Hanging out refers to a vague and casual relationship where the pressure of commitment is absent. In a talk given by Elder Dallin H. Oaks, he stated: "Dating is pairing off to experience the kind of one-on-one association and temporary commitment that can lead to marriage in some rare and treasured cases" (Oaks, 2005). Oaks continues on about hanging out: "Hanging out consists of numbers of young men and young women joining together in some group activity. It is very different from dating" (Oaks, 2005).

You see, from the survey I conducted I realized that 1) not everyone has the same idea of what dating is and 2) we can all do more to educate ourselves on how to date in a healthy manner. Healthy people make healthy choices and that applies to dating as well. In safe and healthy relationships "there is one basic rule for guarding the safe zone: never go further in one bonding area [in relevance to the RAM] than you gone in the previous" (Van Epp, 2007). 

Survey Results

• What is your age group?

• Dating and 'hanging out,' are they the same?

• What is/was your dating style?

• Are you familiar with RAM (The Relationship Attachment Model)?

Additional Resources:

 How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk by John Van Epp, Ph. D. 

References

Van Epp, J. (2007). How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk: The Foolproof Way to Follow Your Heart Without Losing Your Mind. McGraw-Hill.

Wikimedia Foundation. (2022, January 29). Dating. Wikipedia. Retrieved February 12, 2022, from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dating 

Oaks, D. H. (2005, May). Dating versus hanging out. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Retrieved February 12, 2022, from https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/2006/06/dating-versus-hanging-out?lang=eng