Everybody Talks

 

Remember Neon Trees' "Everybody Talks"? Anytime anyone brings up the topic of communication, this song comes to mind.  

Have you ever felt that someone did not understand you when you were talking to them via text? Or how about in person? I've had experiences in which a text gets blown out of proportion because something got lost in interpretation. Talking in person is very different from texting. In person you get to see the other person's facial expressions and body language. 

For those who are better with a formulas, there are five secrets to effective communication:

1. Disarming Technique: Finding truth in what the other person is saying. This step is important to make sure you start off with. This will create a safe space for a conversation to happen. 
2. Expressing Empathy: Trying to understand what the other person is saying and feeling. By doing so you are able to connect to the emotions behind the message. 
3. Inquiry: Taking time to ask clarifying questions. Asking to 1) clarify what we are trying to understand and 2) inviting the other person to elaborate on what they feeling and the reason behind it. 
4. "I feel..." Statements: This is where we get to express our thoughts and feelings after hearing what they had to say. Typically shared in a "I feel..." statements. This part is exclusively for expressing feelings not thoughts.
5. Stroking: This part here is where you take the time to validate the other person's feelings. This means you take the time to acknowledge their feelings and relationship. You also take the time to compliment them. You start and end in a safe space.

I'm sharing this because a while back I shared the Relationship Attachment Model with you all and after pondering some more on this topic.  Having in person conversations are becoming a less common thing with some crowds. Check out the following image for a reminder:

My thought was that since less and less people are having in person conversations. Building strong connections and relationships with people are important but we can't really get to know someone if we do not carry those in person conversations. Some may beg to differ and share that you do not necessarily need to be in front of someone but body language shares a lot too. If we don't know someone, how can we trust them? The lack of communication is causing relationships to be faulty. 

This week I conducted a small survey of 22 people. It consisted of seven questions:

1. Is face to face communication important to you?
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2. What's your preferred way of communicating?
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3. How many times a week do you meet with someone to have a face-to-face conversation?
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4. How many phone calls do you make a day?
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5. How many texts do you send in a day?
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6. Have you ever been misunderstood in an 'in-person' conversation?
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7. Have you ever been misunderstood in a 'not in person' (ie. text message, social media, etc.) conversation?
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The questions that stood out the most to me are the last two. I was expecting people share that they feel that they always feel understood when talking in person. 45.5% of people shared that they had been misunderstood. 90.0% had been misunderstood while having a conversation that was not in person. So from that I took it as we all need to improve the quality of communicating. I wonder how many fights and wars could have been prevented or how many relationships could have been saved. The way we communicate can really transform a situation. Yes, having in person conversations are important but so is knowing how to express yourself. Talking is easy but effective communication can be learned.